Am i fat?
I've never been a fan of my body, i was always the taller girl in primary school and to a 9 year old taller meant bigger and bigger meant fat.Well after being bullied by E i though losing a few pounds couldn't hurt... right? I mean if people other than myself think i'm fat then maybe i am.
Alone. I sat alone in my room guzzling water while looking on weight loss sites, it seemed simple: Drink more water, eat less crap and more exercise. Simple. With a new figure i thought i'd be happier, i was already making new friends and starting to feel better.
When i noticed my jeans becoming baggy something clicked.
I began to lose more weight, with E's words echoing in my mind. "fat" "lazy" "can't have a belly bar" Each time i did one of my 300 sit ups a night i tried to shake away those words. Soon i noticed something strange... i liked feeling empty. I deserved the hunger pains and the blackouts, the lightheaded tingle and calorie contents rushing through my head. I know i deserve it because the voice says so.
Let me introduce you...
She is Edna, my eating disorder. EDNOS to be precise, a cocktail of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa i suffer with two disorders, drifting between the two. Usually i'm anorexic (purging type) but for the period of a few weeks every now and then i'm bulimic. This can be particularly destructive at times, after a few days of fasting followed by a full blown binge and purge my stomach has experienced many extremes: Empty, full and forcefully emptied.
Needless to say you will hear a lot more about Edna shortly.
I want to be tall, even if it means be "bigger, and bigger meant fat" (now you know that it isn't like this, but what will the elementary school children know about? All envy what we haven't, and if you were the shortest girl in the class also you'll get tired soon of it. Sometimes i only think: why I can't be NORMAL? Normal in my level of maturity, inteligence, with my qualifications, and with my body. But the mean girls also wants to be taller, skinny, shortest... At our age it's difficult love our body, even when you're thin, because it means that you've got more "work" to do with.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that I only want to look like a model: this make me have milk binges for grow up (that don't serve for anything), and later I think that the models don't eat a lot, and I throw the food of my normal meals, but the models don't have pronounced ribs and hip bones like you or me (or it's only photoshop?), and this produce that I eat more, but later I look fat... What can I tell you!
I always wish to look like a model, but ive learnt that they use photoshop and are very unhealthy! Milk is good for you but try not to have too much, i know this is difficult. To grow you need calories which is difficult...
DeleteYou're very intelligent, and so beautiful. I'm jealous! All will become clear cuttie just wait <3 Xx